I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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