Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
