It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
