You're so nebulous sometimes
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
