i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
