cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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