you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You took a bar mat shot.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
