she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Randomize
