I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
When did angry sex become our thing?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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