I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
