Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
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On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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