Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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