Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
