I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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