I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
