I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
