I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
