he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
