she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
my poor anus
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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