She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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