I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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