Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
