I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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