We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
