I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
