Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
