if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
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