Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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