yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
