I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
