if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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