I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
