so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
