Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
