I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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