I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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