Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
