Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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