I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
