no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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