I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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