I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
