there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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