I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
