i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
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It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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