apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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