If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
