so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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