The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
