You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
