It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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