You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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