He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Hippo gnu deer
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
