Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Help. Why am I so naked?
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