I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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