I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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