next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
