Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
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