Texts From Last Night

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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."

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  (802): Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami." http://tfl.nu/q4af
  Replies (17) Good night (687) Bad night (3914)
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  (718): View more from New York

  "Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.

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  (718): "Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut. http://tfl.nu/b4vo
  Replies (95) Good night (5960) Bad night (1173)
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.

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  (814): Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it. http://tfl.nu/kj9q
  Replies (95) Good night (4321) Bad night (742)
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  (310): View more from California

  A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.

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  (310): A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am. http://tfl.nu/d1e6
  Replies (111) Good night (9957) Bad night (1801)
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  It's never good when you wake up covered with burns

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  (212): It's never good when you wake up covered with burns http://tfl.nu/8fkk
  Replies (15) Good night (731) Bad night (3944)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.

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  (201): Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory. http://tfl.nu/a6d4
  Replies (4) Good night (2215) Bad night (1176)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.

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  (970): I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me. http://tfl.nu/ryot
  Replies (7) Good night (2104) Bad night (780)
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;

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  (719): I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now; http://tfl.nu/0kbl
  Replies (7) Good night (479) Bad night (1411)
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.

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  (808): He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married. http://tfl.nu/414x
  Replies (18) Good night (942) Bad night (2310)
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.

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  (+61): Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere. http://tfl.nu/z8sw
  Replies (5) Good night (669) Bad night (1221)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?

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  (717): How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling? http://tfl.nu/pzfw
  Replies (7) Good night (1632) Bad night (419)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.

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  (215): the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked. http://tfl.nu/uz4z
  Replies (4) Good night (739) Bad night (261)
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(

  (1-978): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Or a taco

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  (978): I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :( (1-978): I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars (978): Or a taco http://tfl.nu/jd6f
  Replies (6) Good night (622) Bad night (214)
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.

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  (314): I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that. http://tfl.nu/pv07
  Replies (1) Good night (297) Bad night (446)
• Favorite

  (323): View more from California

  There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.

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  (323): There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation. http://tfl.nu/bbsf
  Replies (3) Good night (306) Bad night (660)

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