I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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