I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
