it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
