A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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