Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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